I have really been struggling the past month with all my insecurities. I have always heard that fat people keep on the their weight as a "protective shield." Well, I always thought that was bull shit fed to us by the skinny bitches of the world. Well as a recovering fatty, I can attest I miss
my protective fat layers.
I've always thought of myself as the funny fat girl, but all that is changing. I've always had a very out going personality in high school and college. I've been overweight since high school and have tried just about every diet out there (legal or illegal). After high school I really grew into my fat personality. When I looked in the mirror I always thought I looked good, never really seeing how much weight I was putting on. I dated a couple wonderful men that never told me I needed to lose weight, they loved me just the way I was. My friends never said anything to me, because once again, they loved me just the way I was. After college the weight just kept coming, and it wasn't until I saw a picture of myself and thought, "who is that fat girl?" Oh...it's me! I'm fat I should do something about it. I tried everything and was able to lose some weight, but would always put the weight back on. Fast forward two years, and I am 90 lbs thinner. You would think I would be jumping for joy (keep in mind I want to drop 30 more). Nope, I have NEVER felt more insecure in my whole life. I am so used to blending into the crowd, no one ever told me how cute I looked, or how skinny I am looking, or why don't you have a boyfriend. Now that I am 90 lbs thinner, everyone has a comment for me. It is so weird to me. Yes, I know that I look different, believe me I have worked my ass off, and appreciate the compliments, but it reminds me that people are looking. When people notice my clothes getting too big, it makes me rethink ever outfit I wear. When people tell me that I am looking so good, it makes me get on the scale every morning. When people ask, "are you dating?" It makes me think I should be dating, and it also makes me think, "who would date this fat girl?" These are all thoughts that as a fat girl I would never have had to think about, because no one ever asked them. Before, I was able to look at myself in the mirror and think I looked cute, but now I look in the mirror and see a fat girl. I hate it, I want my protective layers back! This weight loss is playing horrible, horrible games with my head. The most frustrating part to me is, I know exactly why this is happening (believe me I have been to enough therapy to know) but still can't get my brain to react with joy. I'm not sure there has been a day in the last month that I haven't cried or wanted to cry. Things that I would have been able to brush off when I was fat, I now analyze. I can't use food to comfort myself, because now I KNOW that's why I use food. I have increased my exercise and when I get down or frustrated I exercise, but let me tell you, it's not as comforting as a cheese burger and fries. When the guy I like doesn't know I exist, I now think it's because I'm too fat. When friends stand me up or don't want to go out, I want to cry. When I mess up at work, I think I should be fired. When I don't get the score I want on a test, I think I dumb. I can guarantee that if I was 90 lbs heavier, I wouldn't care.
I DO NOT want the 90lbs back, but I would like to feel good about all the hard work I have done.
my protective fat layers. I've always thought of myself as the funny fat girl, but all that is changing. I've always had a very out going personality in high school and college. I've been overweight since high school and have tried just about every diet out there (legal or illegal). After high school I really grew into my fat personality. When I looked in the mirror I always thought I looked good, never really seeing how much weight I was putting on. I dated a couple wonderful men that never told me I needed to lose weight, they loved me just the way I was. My friends never said anything to me, because once again, they loved me just the way I was. After college the weight just kept coming, and it wasn't until I saw a picture of myself and thought, "who is that fat girl?" Oh...it's me! I'm fat I should do something about it. I tried everything and was able to lose some weight, but would always put the weight back on. Fast forward two years, and I am 90 lbs thinner. You would think I would be jumping for joy (keep in mind I want to drop 30 more). Nope, I have NEVER felt more insecure in my whole life. I am so used to blending into the crowd, no one ever told me how cute I looked, or how skinny I am looking, or why don't you have a boyfriend. Now that I am 90 lbs thinner, everyone has a comment for me. It is so weird to me. Yes, I know that I look different, believe me I have worked my ass off, and appreciate the compliments, but it reminds me that people are looking. When people notice my clothes getting too big, it makes me rethink ever outfit I wear. When people tell me that I am looking so good, it makes me get on the scale every morning. When people ask, "are you dating?" It makes me think I should be dating, and it also makes me think, "who would date this fat girl?" These are all thoughts that as a fat girl I would never have had to think about, because no one ever asked them. Before, I was able to look at myself in the mirror and think I looked cute, but now I look in the mirror and see a fat girl. I hate it, I want my protective layers back! This weight loss is playing horrible, horrible games with my head. The most frustrating part to me is, I know exactly why this is happening (believe me I have been to enough therapy to know) but still can't get my brain to react with joy. I'm not sure there has been a day in the last month that I haven't cried or wanted to cry. Things that I would have been able to brush off when I was fat, I now analyze. I can't use food to comfort myself, because now I KNOW that's why I use food. I have increased my exercise and when I get down or frustrated I exercise, but let me tell you, it's not as comforting as a cheese burger and fries. When the guy I like doesn't know I exist, I now think it's because I'm too fat. When friends stand me up or don't want to go out, I want to cry. When I mess up at work, I think I should be fired. When I don't get the score I want on a test, I think I dumb. I can guarantee that if I was 90 lbs heavier, I wouldn't care. 
I DO NOT want the 90lbs back, but I would like to feel good about all the hard work I have done.
2 comments:
Oh Krystal...I'm know you well enough to know that you don't want sympathy. I love this post for so many reasons...very rarely do you eve let yourself be vulnerable so while I hate that you are aching inside I am glad that you are letting some of us in. You are amazing and I mean that. You have accomplished much and need not be so hard on yourself.
I do need to tell you that I I thought the title of this post was "Oh, how I miss mr protective LAWYERS"!!!
PS - I really did graduate. Oh and your bloggy is looking particularly cute!!
I'm calling you now.
You are awesome. You are too hard on yourself. And I still think you are the funniest person I know, skinny or fat. I never noticed your weight before & the only reason I even notice now is that you always look so CONFIDENT & HAPPY!! So even if you don't feel it, you look it. Keep up all your hard work. I can't wait to see you & Britta soon.
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