The end....

Some days it takes all my energy to get out of bed and get to work. For the past 4 months I have struggled almost everyday with my new assignment on the special victims unit. The subject matter SUCKS! There has been MANY days of tears, I can cry in a split second. As I struggle with work I allowed the sadness to seep into every other aspect of my life. I HATE people, all people. I don't exactly see the good on ANYBODY, because I don't see much good in people. Everyday events trigger my brain to attach negative behavior with every relationship I have or have had.

I struggle with my family because they continually COVER for family because "they are family." It is unhealthy and unacceptable to my educated brain.

I struggle with friends that fail to be consistent. It is amazing if I don't put in the effort, things change. Consistency is what everyone needs and wants. I'm no different.

I struggle with change. I have cried over change a few times this month. I hate change, but at the same time I want nothing more than to change my surroundings.

I struggle with friends and family that judge. I would say that 90% of people that know me, don't really know me at all. I have made it through life by letting people believe what they want about me, and not correcting me. I have found that 10% of people I know actually ask and don't assume.

At the end of the work day I want nothing more than to crawl back into bed and sleep. I have no desire to socialize with the 90% of the people that don't know me. I don't have the energy to put on a smile and pretend that I care about anything more than my pajamas.

At the end of the day I want to indulge in my one weakness...FOOD. I don't have the energy to work out 5 days a week (I'm lucky to get in 2 days). I want to eat cookies, chips, candy, and shakes (cookie dough to be exact). If I was still in school I would give myself an "A" in emotional eating.

My educated brain tries to continue to stay attached to people and things that have proven consistent in bringing me joy and happiness. It is a VERY short list, but I have added a few people as of recent...MY NEW TEAM (4 attorneys and 1 secretary). I'm not sure I could have made it 4 months without them.

....And this week it all changed in my brain thanks to some much needed training. Who knew that training on Ritual Abuse would bring such joy. So many wonderful people telling little old ME that I AM MAKING A DIFFERENCE. My 3 days of hard training can be summed up with

"FORGIVENESS IS ALL I HAVE TO OFFER"

Starting today I will choose to take the STEP forward and move beyond hate, anger, pain, and revenge. Sometimes you just need to take the STEP and leave those THINGS and PEOPLE behind, and focus on ME.